Cats no longer dicks

Since ancient Egyptian times cats have gone down in people’s estimation, like an X Factor winner after their Christmas number one, which is why they can be slightly tetchy. But recently they have wanted to distance themselves from their questionable Piers Morgan-esque reputation.

We caught up with Moggies Eliminating Our Wickedness leader Mr Tiddles as he pooed in your back garden. ‘The whole thing just snowballed really, it’s time for a change and I’m leading by example. Last week I only cried when I actually wanted to go out, I didn’t stop cars by lying in the middle of the road doing that weird back leg licky thing and I let the tiny human stroke me…with his sticky little hands. It would have been so easy to claw at his stupid little happy face.’

They’ve received some surprising support from Pooches Are Wooferly. ‘It’s great that our domestic brothers and sisters have decided not to be such you-know-whats. I mean we’ll still be man’s best friend   obviously, but they can be womans’. It’ll work out great cause our best friends can’t really afford diamonds. Or pedigree dental sticks apparently. Oh they could be our best friends. Yeah, dogs are man’s best friends and cats are dog’s best friends. We could play together. Chase balls. Fetch slippers. The newspaper. Slippers. OHMYGODI’MSOHAPPY.’

Mr Tiddles replied, ‘bollocks. ‘